I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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