Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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