I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
