new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
