i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
