I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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