I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
