Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
