Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
