Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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