can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
