Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
