After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
