mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
