I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
