So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
