I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
