Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
