I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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