there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
