On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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