....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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