I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
