I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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