thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
