i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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