did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
