if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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