I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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