You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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