so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
