Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
