remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
