How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
