My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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