If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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