Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
