Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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