I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
