Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
