I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
