Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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