it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
