I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She tied me up with her honor cords...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
