it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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