You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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