Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
