i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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