sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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