There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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