i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
