I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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