I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
