I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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