i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
