wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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