It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
