I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
