I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
