My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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