On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
