My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
