Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
