Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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