So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize