things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I stole a fireplace last night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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