You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
