please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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