Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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